That's the Spirit!
Notes from the sobriety society.
The last night I had a drink of alcohol was six years ago today. January 8th, 2018. Out for a friend’s birthday. Was seeing a wild danish woman at the time who wore too much Balenciaga and I was still heartbroken from the relationship before. Not ideal. Being drunk was fun initially, like it always is, and then it wasn’t. Next morning my head was fucked. Internal earthquakes, all sorts. Whatever I was trying not to feel I felt the next day times by a million. I sat opposite the Dane at breakfast wanting to cry into my poached eggs. I vowed in that moment I was never going to drink again. Like we always say. But I actually did it. Mainly because I kept ruining my life. Or at least destroying any intimate relationships within it.
Drinking fuelled my misguided hedonism. And my ‘cup half full’ approach to life tended to twist when the cup was full of shame and regret. So I quit as a means of survival. And, most importantly, because I wanted to prove a point to whoever thought I couldn’t. An unhealthy yet incredibly motivating way of getting things done. Unhealthy because I should always make life choices for myself, not other people. A realisation I came to later. But I have to be clear about that because the first year’s the hardest. And I definitely got through it because I wanted to prove someone wrong. Just like the h8rs I had in school who took the piss out of my joy of graphic design, or ridiculed me for trying to sing or my abstract approach to lyricism. External doubt is an internal rocket. Attached, frustratingly, to my own lack of self worth. But motivating all the same.
For those first couple of years, I kept it pretty quiet. My sobriety. I was afraid of coming across as preachy or worthy. I was hyper aware of how difficult and unpredictable the journey was. Having battled through so much of my own shame I didn’t want to inspire that feeling in anyone. Still don’t. And I found that whenever I did mention it, often people would wax lyrical about their own battles with the sauce. The drinking culture in this country is like nothing else. We let spirits fly. And then can’t remember what we’ve done. Drink until oblivion. Organise all immediate notions of fun around it. It’s a lot. And as time’s gone on, my ideas around drinking have developed. My desire has near enough disappeared and my behaviour’s adjusted. Really I’ve just been watching everyone else. And now I have some ideas. Ideas I’d like to share because I think they might help. And that’s the stage I’m at now. I don’t mind encouraging people to consider sobriety. This time of year, people are always open to it. So here are a eight notes on it.
1. YOU WILL LOSE FRIENDS BUT ONLY THE ONES THAT SUCK.
If you do decide to become sober, the circle will shrink. At first this’ll be a shock because of the habits and routine and the grief, but you’ll be ok. You’ll begin to notice which relationships were based purely around a shared disintergration and wonder if you actually know the person at all. Chances are you don’t. You’ll miss out on a bunch of nights out but, hopefully, you’ll begin to notice the patterns of those nights out when viewing them externally. That’s actually my next point. The most important point of this point is that you will slowly but surely - as in, definitely - guaranteed - deepen the most important relationships in your life. Even the friends who would drink with you but are worth their salt will find time for you and you for them. This won’t happen straight away, but it will. Dream scenario a few others join your sobriety journey and then you’re all having ice coffees on a Saturday morning talking about how depressing the world is.
2. 80% OF NIGHTS END THE SAME WAY AND YOU WON’T WAKE UP DYING
So many memories are made on messy nights out. Hilarious, ridiculous, stupid memories. There’s a time and era for those memories but then life changes. You change. Your responsibilities increase. Stories are made in different ways. Travel. Love. Random side missions like joining an archery club. Who knows? But in my opinion, after a certain point, everyone just seems to be chasing cars. Chasing memories. Trying to replay one night that happened four months before. Overlooking the seventeen nights in between that ended in a bath of fried food and a half day headache. Research suggests that after consuming more than three drinks (and this is US research so this is like one and a half British drinks), the body can take up to one entire week to repair. So for the majority of people in this country we’re living for decades in a constant cycle of never repairing.
Working in a state of anxiety and then convincing ourselves that a drink will be the only way to rid ourselves of that feeling. One of the most useful ways I found to maintain my sobriety was by calling my friends the morning after they’d been out. Usually while walking. I’d feel fucking great and they’d sound like they’d eaten gravel for brekkie and that. Not having a hangover is phenomenal. Has anybody got a cure for a hangover? Yeah - it’s not going to bed for four hours dehydrated.
3. DRINKING IS THE ULTIMATE GATEWAY DRUG AND WE ALL KNOW IT
There was a big push recently for weed to be legalised medicinally in this country. A kid was having seizures and it was the only thing saving him. The mum did a seriously good job to raise awareness and I praise her for it. Theresa May was priminister at the time. Her feedback on the proposed shift in classification was to say that she knew a boy once who smoked weed and then later became a heroine addict. Field of wheat Theresa May. This is what we mean about relatability. Needless to say any negative opinion on what we deem as ‘drugs’ means fuck all when alcohol is legal.
Alcohol is the sole reason most people take cocaine. Alcohol is also a huge reason why people smoke. Alcohol is responsible for poor decisions, death and destruction. Alcohol is also responsible for liquidating conversation and creating bonds. But the balance is outweighed. And bonds can form other ways. Cut out alcohol and chances are you’ll lose other bullshit too. All the good stuff need only be accompanied with water anyway.
4. YOU WILL SAVE A STUPID AMOUNT OF MONEY
5. MAYBE NIGHTS THAT WE WON’T REMEMBER DON’T MAKE ANY SENSE
Probably a brainwashed advertising ploy that we’ve soaked in and forgotten. Ironically. But forgetting nights out - losing track of special occasions - is that a vibe? I’ve seen a bride being held up, unable to walk, at the end of her own wedding. I’ve listened to a friend attempt to piece together his thirtieth birthday through witness accounts. This level of drunk goes beyond sense. Do we not want to remember these occasions? Everything in moderation, of course. I really do believe that people can do things in moderation. But realistically. Can we? I’m not sure we can. I certainly couldn’t. Couldn’t be trusted.
Often we drink to alleviate anxiety. To make people more bearable. But there are sober, conscientious ways of doing that. There are people you don’t have to speak to. There are events you don’t have to go to. And also, take this from me, when you make better choices in terms of who you’re spending time with, sobriety boosts the experience. I’ve raved sober. You can hear everything. See everyone. Not make dumb decisions. It’s a drug in itself. Also, I would argue that embedding the idea that people are only bearable when drunk will work against you in the long run. People are weird. You’re weird. Sometimes it’ll work. Sometimes it won’t. You’ll have to learn to feel everything. And you will be rewarded with the feeling.
6. SOBRIETY IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE
I was never able to do meetings because I wasn’t sober by twelve steps standards. I did it all by myself. And for the first couple of years I was smoking a little bit of weed most nights. And then later on I began microdosing mushrooms. I’ve now managed to kick the smoking too but mushrooms - never. Shrooms really are magic. And they never leave you with a hangover. Not pushing them though. Often people are hesitant, and that’s ok. The key is always set and setting. Micro doses are far from a trip. Maybe that’s for a different post. My point is I believe there are healthier, more loving ways of getting out of your head. And that starts with just dancing, listening to music, all that. Sobriety journeys also aren’t linear at all. I’d had a couple of false starts before I reallly went for it. So each to their own. But yeah, everything I could do drunk I’ve done sober. A sober friend of mine once told me that he had “completed drinking”. That reality never left me. ‘Cause my god if there is anything I’ve completed - it’s that.
7. LASTLY, A HEART SURGEON TOLD ME TO STOP
Me and my friend Lara were sat with a heart surgeon. By pure chance. In a pub. And he wasn’t budging. My god. Probably because he operated on hearts every day of his life. We kept saying things like
“Surely one cigarette every now and again is ok?“
And he’d respond by saying
“Stop smoking.”
And then Lara would say
“Or a couple of drinks a week?
And he’d say
“Stop drinking.”
And it went round like that for about half an hour. He never shifted, even slightly. Because he kept having to operate on people who smoked too much and drank too much. It was black and white to him. As it should be, doctor that he is. There are no health benefits to either. All perks are purely social. If you want to reduce your chances of dying - stop drinking poison and smoking death bark. Makes sense really. We’ve all got an appetite for destruction but perhaps it’s time to pick our battles.
8. ZERO PERCENT GUINNESS IS PHENOMENAL
~
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I'm new so commenting seems weird but found this post shared and it makes me breath, I've had alcohol issues for a long while now, it's a disease every other person in our country has. Two weeks sober now, there it starts, maybe. It's hard with being in university but this, THIS Text helped. I understand logic as well as I understand that it's unhealthy but this I GET, AND it feels like breathing to have it written out from someone who knows because this is new to me and I am not good at new things. So thank you!
9 months sober next week, this list is so so accurate. Big love Jordan. If you can’t tolerate being somewhere or with someone sober; why are you there at all!