When You Say Something and Someone Disappears
my fear of abandonment
A part of me is trying to escape and I’m stuck somewhere between the two of me. Slightly off of the ground. Blurry and dipping. Shaky hand on the Polaroid. Like someone’s trying to hoover up my soul but I’m fighting it. Mad one. That’s a little insight into my kind of trauma response. Clouds imploding. My agent’s on the phone. I’m outside a hotel in Manchester. Northern bounce but it’s cold, drab. When I was younger I used to think this hotel was the classiest place I’d ever been. I don’t think upkeep’s been a priority. Entropy is quite the humilifier (new word). Mossy concrete. I’m talking to my agent about saying the wrong thing.
My worst nightmare. Saying the wrong thing. Always has been and probably always will be. My most realistic goal is to continually shorten the recovery time post shock. Every now and again I will do or say something and it will not land. It will not resonate. It will be misunderstood. And my heart drops. My confidence detonates. I spiral. I imagine people leaving me, judging me, hating me, and I am unable to find my way back. I am a whole time machine away from good graces.
It beds everything. Underpins my own betrayal at times. Because I begin to bend in the hope that I can keep people there. Which isn’t good. Being a people pleaser. What a curse. Desperate for people not to leave me. Heartbreaking. I don’t even like some of these people. How mad is that?
Only the other day I wrote something “controversial”. Commas for subjectivity. On here. And I got push back. In rational world it’s nothing to freak out about. In major cancellation one moment and everything’s gone to shit world it’s quite something. That’s this world. And although it’s up for debate if “online cancellation” is actually effective, it’s been effective enough for my ego to paint the image of my career sailing out of a top window because of a single paragraph. Years of hard work and therapy exploded over a single take. Names, tags, rumours all branded onto me. Impossible to shake. Imagine. I imagine. A new age neurosis.
But one friend says ‘NO’. Keep it up. “I love it”. “It’s interesting”. Another friend says “so what if it wasn’t perfect? What is??” My close friend and mentor says
“Sit in this. Let this feeling exist.”
And that really landed. This was an opportunity to not fold to fear. Easy route would have been, delete - keep it moving. But, why? To 100% ensure that everyone likes me and agrees with what I say? Not everything is comfortable. Sometimes truth comes in weird shapes. Sometimes it’s disformed. Sometimes it’s a missed truth and that in itself brings a hit truth to life. People’s reactions are their reactions. It’s always comfort. We’re obsessed with it. As the saying goes
The road to hell looks like heaven
And the road to heaven looks like hell.
There’s another one which is like “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” but I’m not sure that makes sense here.
The road to heaven looks like hell.
And so I sat in the burning fire of disdain. Of scowls and disappointment. Of irrational realities. Furrowed brows. Listen, I have actually experienced abandonment. At some point. As a child. My therapist will tell you. I have experienced what felt like abandonment as a child and at some point I’ve rationalised that I was the reason for it. What did I say? What did I do? Why aren’t they here? Back then I rationalised that it was my fault. Because I didn’t know any better.
I just wrote a book about the fall out of my ex leaving me in the wake of infidelity. In the wake of me being honest about it. Even though there was clear rationale. The little me could not cope. I said something and someone I loved disappeared. I was abandoned. And few people could empathise because I did a bad thing. Maybe I deserved it. A morale compound. But that was the first time. The first time after the first first time. And I made it through. So every time since hasn’t felt as scary. I can identify how it feels having the responses. Doesn’t make them any less difficult but it’s better than total detachment. Pure disassociation. Me and my ex are cool now.
A couple of years ago, my friend and I had an impassioned debate. Something I said had really bothered him so he seemed a little more amped up. I’m always impassioned, even about little things. But the back and forth was a lot. And he realised he had to leave, so in the middle of the mist, he vanished. There were two other friends there. They went as well, but it was always meant to be like that. When the door shut and I was alone I started shaking. I was convinced I’d never see them again. Being that I was sober at this point, I looked around for food instead. Starting thinking about cake. This time I knew though. I knew it wasn’t real. But I allowed myself the mini collapse. I gave myself a minute before allowing the healthy me to make some noise. I reached out to a mutual the next day and they assured me it wasn’t that deep. But they know the feeling too. I hated the idea that I could say something and make someone disappear.
So this is an ongoing Everest. Establishing my own roots. Standing by myself after error. Sometimes not even error. Standing by myself after standing up for myself sometimes. Keep up with my patterns. Yes, I will face my fears but that doesn’t mean I should keep creating the situations that haunt me. Especially not unconsciously. No more feedback loops.
I’ve been on the phone and my body temperature has dropped dramatically. My teeth have pretty much chattered while discussing a recent fall out. Wishing it didn’t feel like quicksand. But it really is just existence, isn’t it? Connections are made and connections are lost. Everything dies. And it turns out, when even the most sought after connections aren’t tended to, they can end up feeling hostile. Inhospitable. But entropy is a part of life. And facing fears tends to fade them. Is that another piece?
As long as I don’t abandon myself, I say. Everything will be alright.
As long as I don’t abandon the belief that connections can always be made and repaired. I will remain human.
this hit different, pure honesty and a truth that pulled my own abandonment thoughts apart... will save this fear of piece to read again and again
cheers jordan 🫂
I keep coming back and reading this piece over and over again. I probably will continue to do so until I learn the lesson of this, "Yes, I will face my fears but that doesn’t mean I should keep creating the situations that haunt me. Especially not unconsciously. No more feedback loops." Thank you.